I was pondering today that I might try answering the questions that pop up in Writer's Block for a week and see if they are in fact interesting or not. I was pondering this until I checked my email and saw that my blog post from yesterday about Zachary Quinto's birthday was in the google news update. Why do I never learn?

Anyway, the writer's block question - 1/7 is..

Recount a remarkable incident involving insects.

I do actually have a story involving insects but it's not that remarkable. When I was in primary school I was out with my class on some waste ground drawing creatures for art class (as you may have gathered, it wasn't an exclusive public finishing school, and yes I did say 'waste ground'). My friends and I had collected a nice crop of orange caterpillars in a Flora tub and thought that instead of putting them back where they came fro, happily munching on dandelion leaves, that we should take them home and let them enjoy the luxury of a semi-detached 3 bed before their inevitable early death.

So we formed a human chain around the caterpillars and managed to smuggle them into school. We hid them in the entrance hall behind a blackboard, but we couldn't find anything to make holes in the top of the tub and didn't want them to die so we just left the lid with a corner off. 

You can imagine what happened next.

The caterpillars made a bid for freedom whlst we were doing maths, and the next I know me and my friends, otherwise known as the Chrysalis Six, were in the headmistresses office. Luckily for us she was a good old stick and we didn't really get into any trouble. We wrote her a grovelling apology and I copied it up because I had the best handwriting. She later told us she'd shown it to her mum. By now of course, she was used to be doing things like this. I had after all been in her school for four eventful years.

So there's my insect story. It's not that remarkable and it might have been better if I'd lied and said that the caterpillars hatched into butterflies and charmed the school with a well-timed display of flutteriness. Damn.

 
PS T Shirt of the Week

Saw a guy yesterday wearing a tshirt that said 'Heisenberg May Have Been Here'.

Click for why that's funny if you're not a huge geek like me

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Uncertainty_principle
doubleshiny: Shark jumping from the water (Default)
( Jun. 2nd, 2008 10:04 pm)

Name your top 10 most played bands on iTunes:

1. The Decemberists

2. Morrissey

3. The Beatles

4. They Might Be Giants

5. Suede

6. Vampire Weekend

7. The Smiths

8. The Cribs

9. Kirsty MacColl

10. Rufus Wainwright

What was the first song you ever heard by 6 (Vampire Weekend)?

I believe it was Mansard Roof which was what they opened with when I saw them on Sunday, yay!

What is your favorite album of 2 (Morrissey)?

Oooh, too hard but I'm going to say Viva Hate

What is your favorite lyric that 5 (Suede) has sung?

Far away, we'll go far away, down to Worthing and work there (The Next Life)

How many times have you seen 4 (They Might Be Giants) live?

Unfortunately only twice, once in Manchester in 2003 and once in London in 2005.

What is your favorite song by 7 (The Smiths)?

Still Ill

What is a good memory you have involving the music of 10 (Rufus Wainwright)?

I saw him at the Lowry and the look on my friend Nico's face when Rufus stripped off and put on a witch's outfit was something to behold.

Is there a song of 3 (The Beatles) that makes you sad?

The first on that came to mind was 'In My Life', but I'm not sure why.

What is your favorite lyric that 2 (Morrissey) has sung?

Yout think you were my first love but you're wrong, you were the only one (I Know Very Well How I Got My Name)

How did you get into 3 (The Beatles)?

My dad owned every record they ever made, and some they didn't. There was no choice involved.

What was the first song you heard by 1 (The Decemberists)?

I can't remember, but I think it was probably Shanty for the Arethusa

What is your favorite song by 4 (They Might Be Giants)?

Man, It's So Loud In Here

How many times have you seen 9 (Kirsty MacColl) live?

Never got to see her

What is a good memory you have involving 2 (Morrissey)?

On a sketch I did called 'At Home With The White Stripes', Nico played Morrissey and had to channel him in an amusing way.

Is there a song of 8 (The Cribs) that makes you sad?

I nearly cried when they played Be Safe at Cribsmas but I wasn't sad.

What is your favorite album of 5 (Suede)?

The amazing DogManStar


What is your favorite lyric that 3 (The Beatles) has sung?

When I hold you in my arms and I feel my finger on your trigger I know nobody can do me no harm. (Happiness Is A Warm Gun).

What is your favourite song of 1 (The Decemberists)?

The Engine Driver

What is your favourite song of 10 (Rufus Wainwright)?

The Art Teacher


How many times have you seen 8 (The Cribs) live?

Lost count, about 15

What is your favourite album of 1 (The Decemberists)?

Picaresque


What is a great memory you have concerning 9 (Kirsty MacColl)?

Dancing around mentally to England 2 Columbia Nil with my friend David.


What was the first song you heard by 8 (The Cribs)?

Things You Should Be Knowing

What's your favourite cover by 2 (Morrissey)?

That's Entertainment



 
...I love you with all my soul!

I don't really, I just think you're handsome and talented, which is good enough for most people.

I have realised today that the Sylar action figures were released into stores on Saturday, and I was too busy training my dog to remember to go out and get one, so I have to go now, and that's all there is to it. I have plans for this action figure - rather than keeping it in the packet like some collectables-obssessed loon I will take it OUT of the packet, place it in various positions with comedy props and then photograph them and post them on livejournal, like a Sylar-obssessed loon.

London! I am going to London on June 14th to see my friends, and it's going to be aces. Here are some things I'm going to do :

1. Buy some root beer from Cyber Candy because I'm down to my last can 
2. Go to a big geekfest Sci-Fi meetup and talk about geeky things all day.
3. Drink lots of beer
and one other thing which I haven't thought of yet, but it will be fabulous. 

Right, off to Forbidden Planet to pretend I'm buying the Sylar doll for my nephew who doesn't exist.

PS I saw Vampire Weekend last night and they were all kinds of awesomeness. My favourite song is Walcott, and they didn't play it, but then they came back on and played it, and it was transcendent.
doubleshiny: Shark jumping from the water (Default)
( May. 31st, 2008 12:55 pm)
If ever proof were needed about the difference between Geeks and Nerds, it arrived in my inbox this week.

http://io9.com/393230/star-trek-cake-upsets-nerds

That's the background, now the explanation.

Nerd - "Uhura's in the wrong place, Spock's where Uhura should be, why is there a redshirt next to the captain, wah wah"

Geek - "Cool! A Star Trek cake! Mmmmm, cake."
More psychobabble courses for work, they have the greatest of intentions but you have to filter out a lot of the crap before you can truly gain anything from it.

This course is about 'motivating' students, and apparently human beings, rather than being complex and unique are actually easy to categorise and colour code. In the exercise they gave us you start with six random cards, all colour coded, all featuring words like 'writer', 'mathematician', 'conservative', 'controlling'. Then you have to mingle with the group trying to swap the cards which don't describe you for ones that do. The idea is that once you have collected 6 cards which describe you the colour of those cards tells you everything about your personality.

The trouble is, the cards have clear social value. Everyone wants the red cards because they say more socially endearing things, like 'sensitive to others' and 'people orientated'. No-one wants the green or blue cards because they say things like 'administrative' and 'likes charts'. Honestly, when being asked to choose whether you want to be known as someone who likes charts or buys flowers, which one would you be?

Of course in the end the experiment doesn't quite work - some people are actively seeking out the descriptors which they want rather than have, and others are trying to rid themselves of those cards which everyone else knows has them down to a tee.

At the end most people have a range of colours, and this doesn't sit well with the course leader, he wants us to choose one colour right now. No messiness allowed, just assign yourself one colour, place your bets now before I tell you that you're a wannabe serial killer because you picked up a yellow card instead of a red one.

I ended up with two green and two red, but the description of the yellow people was more accurate. In the end I gave up my two green cards and settled myself in the red camp. Here are the descriptors so you can see for yourself. In bold are the things that I consider describe me more accurately.

Blue

Analyzes, quantifies, logical, critical, realistic, likes numbers, knows about money, knows how things work, fact based, quantitative, intellectual thinking, problem solving, technical, numerical, mathematical, they know better, show me the figures first, reacts unemotionally, appreciates a good debate, efforts to spend time wisely, likes charts, presentation in allignment with corporate goals, wants precise facts, problem solving - analyzes the facts logically. 

Green

Takes preventative action, establishes procedures, gets things done, reliable, organises, is neat, timely, plans, likes details, safekeeping, conservative, traditional, controlled, speaker, reader, administrative, makes things happen, reacts cautiously, punctual, alignment with well established proceduures, very low risk, written communication before meetings, likes scheduled appointments, in family photographs, will notice things other than people, organises facts

Yellow

Imagines, speculates, takes risks, impetuous, breaks rules, likes surprises, curious, playful. intuitive with solutions, conceptual, metaphoric, artistic, visual, original, imaginative, thrives on chaos, creative, society tries to stop them, likes freedom to explore, long term objectives, connection to the bigger picture, minimal details, visualises the facts and deals with them intuitively

Red

Sensitive to others, likes to teach, touches a lot, is supportive, is expressive, is emotional, talks a lot, feels, interpersonal, empathic, people orientated,  writer, caring and loving, gossip, spiritual, teamworker, nicest people in the world, makes everybody tea, buys flowers, reacts spontaneously, likes involvement, good attitude, eye to eye contact, respects others feelings, feels the facts and deals with them expressively. 

You can see from this how flawed it is. There are eleven statements within the yellow area which I think apply to me, but I HATE surprises. I like to be able to visually script things (hence the visual, writer and imagines tags) and if I can't then I can't deal with them very well. Similarly there are a lot of red words that apply to me but I don't think I'm that emotional or sensitive to others. Predictably there is nothing in the blue category that I associate with, but in the green area, which is the same side of the brain we see my natural tendency to organise people and things. 

So, probably all a load of old balls pedalled by pop psychologists looking for quick and easy ways to categorise people. What do you think?

Your Score: Peter Petrelli


You scored 62 Idealism, 58 Nonconformity, 29 Nerdiness




Do you ever... get the feeling that you were meant to do something extraordinary?

Congratulations, you're Peter Petrelli! You are a compassionate, idealistic person, which is great. You're searching for your identity and purpose in life, and you have a strong desire to be special, and do something great for the world. You're a bit on the emo side, but you have the best of intentions.

Your best quality: Empathy
Your worst quality: EMO



Link: The Heroes Personality Test written by freedomdegrees on OkCupid Free Online Dating, home of the The Dating Persona Test
View My Profile(freedomdegrees)
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doubleshiny: Shark jumping from the water (Default)
( May. 16th, 2008 03:23 pm)

I think it's time for a meme, because I'm bored. Everyone in the office has gone to a secret meeting, possibly with cake, while I sit here with nothing to do. There seems to be a cycle here - no-one does any work on Friday afternoons therefore no work is generated on Friday afternoons therefore I do no work on Friday afternoons.

I accidentally spent £45 in primark on my lunch hour (and a half. Friday!), but like I say - accident! Plus I need those clothes for my holiday, what am I supposed to do, walk around Hollywood in old clothes which I've worn before?? Who do I look like? 

Oh yes, meme, I forgot. I'm off to find a good one, hang fire. 

Ha! Just found out that the word meme is from the book The Selfish Gene by my good friend Richard Dawkins. The explanation of what a meme is contains this baffling sentence : The lack of a consistent, rigorous definition of what precisely a meme is remains one of the principal criticisms leveled at memetics, the study of memes.

Stop saying memes! Anyway, hang on, i haven't even got one yet, I got sidetracked. 

Here's a little tip, don't try googling memes because it will frustrate you beyond measure and you won't even find any memes. 

Okay, I've found one, and here it is. (PS Apparently it's very uncool to be the last one meming a meme, though how any blogger can start to make judgements on the coolness of others is beyond me). 

Doubleshiny's Fabulous Meme That She Found On The Internet

Name a book you own that no one else on your friends list does.

Well, I only have three people on my friends list but I'm pretty sure none of them will own We Have Always Lived In The Castle by Shirley Jackson, and I have a spooky story about that book to boot. 

One of my favourite non-fiction books is Danse Macabre by Stephen King, which is about the history of horror. It has a list of recommended books and one of them was WHALITC, which I wanted to read. Now, I couldn't find it on the internet for less than about £30. My local library didn't have it either and the local bookshop couldn't order it for me. I spent about two years searching for this book, and then one day I went to a bookshop in Warrington which is up a windy flight of narrow stairs. I spent about an hour searching the books (they were all second hand and seemed to be in no particular order, possible in order of paper thickness or distance from the sun) but I couldn't find anywhere. Just as I was leaving I noticed a box outside the door labelled 'Free Books', and guess what was sitting right there on the top? That's right, Halliwell's Film Guide 1976. No, it was We Have Always Lived In The Castle, and it was free. 

Then I lent it to my boyfriend after about 6 months, and he never gave it back. Easy come, easy go. I do have hardback copy now though. Anyway, back to the all-important meme.

Name a movie you own on DVD/VHS/whatever that none of your friends does.

I doubt any of them will have The Plague Dogs, which is a cartoon based on the book by Richard Adams (also actually recommended in Danse Macabre) and is the most depressing film I have ever watched. It's like a cartoon snuff film for dog lovers.

Name a place that you have visited that none of your friends has

Every time I think of somewhere I realise that I have actually visited that place with said friends. I doubt any of them have been to the place where the canal bends round near Castlefields. I saw a kingfisher there once.

Name a piece of technology or any sort of tool you own that you think no one else on your friends list has.

Tool? Is this a meme for workmen? I never own anything until a million other people have got them. My dad on the other hand used to be infamous for owning the latest gadget, he'd buy things when they were at their newest and most expensive and then the world would declare them useless within about three months. He had a carphone, a toploading Betamax video player, a photo CD player which was a pre-decessor of the DVD player but could only be used to look at still photographs on a CD (much like the lesser known 'computer' which was it's main rival in the image viewing world) and a mobile phone which needed someone to hold it while you pressed the buttons as it wouldn't fit in the average human hand.

So there we go - memes. 

Elsewhere in DS Life

I have missed a day's watering of the flowers in Animal Crossing, so a lot of work to do tonight.

I saw Jools Holland and his Rhythm and Blues Orchestra last night at Warrington Parr Hall. My favourite one in the orchestra was a saxophone player who looked like John Flansburgh. I had a bit of a crush on him. (The sax player, not Flansburgh). Marc Almond was there and I got to see him perform one of my favourite ever songs 'Say Hello, Wave Goodbye'. Awesome.

I now own a tshirt which says 'Welcome to Puppet Show'. 

Yesterday I ordered a game called Jam Session which apparently turns your DS into a guitar. I will write some Animal Crossing inspired songs and let you know when the first gig is.

PPS The Livejournal spellchecker doesn't recognise the word 'blogger'. Oh the ironing!
doubleshiny: Shark jumping from the water (Default)
( May. 12th, 2008 04:42 pm)
Sitting in the optimistically named 'beer garden' of the Wellington Pub on Low Road, Leeds 10 is actually quite pleasant. If, for instance you can't think of the word 'optimistically', you can pause, look up at the traffic and think, 'oh yes, optimistically'. 

Writing this on the back of an old bank statement I am conscious of 3 things;

1. How too many documents are now printed on both sides, leaving noble diarists such as myself little opportunity to write on them without unwittingly incorporating the Pet Helpline. (Though some might find "The meaning of existence as I see it is freephone 738 2273" as quite a comfort in these difficult times).

2. That I could have actually bought a real notebook in the Morrisons five minutes away, but didn't, because 20 minutes ago I had no idea that I would be sitting here writing on scrap paper in a pub garden next to an expressway.

3. That my ex-boyfriend once bought a very expensive leather bound notebook to take with him to Ecuador on a lifestyle trip to plant trees, but still ended up sending me a Valentine's card (arriving in March) which consisted of a pressed flower and scrawled missive on the inside cover of a Lonely Planet guide to South America. (Still to date the most romantic gesture I have ever received).

People are quite obviously looking at me as they pass. I'm drinking a pint, alone, outside and writing furiously. All these things provide a slight spectacle, though people obviously don't know what I'm writing. A lot of the young men in shirts and trousers are short cutting across the car park and then literally bounding over the two foot wall. They do this in small huddles of two or three, making them look like they're taking part in the world's crappest steeplechase. 
doubleshiny: Shark jumping from the water (Default)
( May. 9th, 2008 02:55 pm)

Something has gone awry down at Paradise Street bus station, the station is closed and now you have to walk down to Park Lane to get the X1 bus. Strangely, not all of the people who get the X1 seem to have made it to the new location. What are they doing? Just sleeping under their desks? I managed to make the change but there were max 3 of the other people who normally get on at stand 4 of Paradise St. We looked quite alone, out of natural environment and forced to wait in the open air at a stop with the people who get the number 27 (yes, those plebs).

Because it's been sunny the last couple of days it almost felt like we were on a school trip, or a cultural exchange to a new bus stop. There were strange people there and I didn't like them. I wanted to gather the other X1 people (Skinny Builder, Old White Haired Man and Glasses Youth) and suggest that we all stick together lest these new people tried to separate us and take us down one by one. 

In other upsetting bus news I left my iPod case which my mum knitted me on the bus and I am told it has not been handed in to lost property. Surely nobody would want to steal such a thing? Firstly you have to have an iPod nano, secondly you would have to be happy for said iPod nano to be clothed in a bright orange wool sock with purple bits and a drawstring. I find it hard to believe that these two variables have collided to lead someone to take it from the floor of the bus.  However, I am without the case and I will have to get my mum to knit me a new one. 

Over on the Guardian Readers Recommend Maddy Costa has chosen Science songs for this weeks topic and already my only ideas have been snapped up. I must have more science based pop songs in my position than anyone, so why can't I think of any? Actually, since Costa has taken over I find the top ten songs to be quite snooty and purposefully obscure. I bet a million pounds that there will be no They Might Be Giants songs on the final top ten list, so from now on I'm going to be posting my own Top Ten based on the suggestions of the RR board, as a kind of protest. Here's this weeks....

Top Ten Songs About Science So There Maddy Costa

1. They Might Be Giants - The Sun Is A Mass Of Incandescent Gas

2. The Flaming Lips - Race For The Prize

3. Jonathan Coulton - The Mandelbrot Set

4. The Handsome Family - Tesla's Hotel Room

5. Captain Beefheart - The Smithsonian Institute Blues

6. Monty Python - The Galaxy Song

7. Ian Dury - There Ain't Half Been Some Clever Bastards

8. Rilo Kiley - Science vs Romance

9. Pearl Jam - Do The Evolution

10. Jurassic 5 - The Lecture.

More news from the shores of DS life.....

Finally changed the songs on my iPod, the others had been there since roughly Christmas

I have booked for Eclipse 2 at the Park Inn Northampton and now I need some Maya-esque black plastic tears

Finished the John Peel autobiography, now I on to 'Shakespeare' by Bill Bryson.

Against my better judgement I have joined a voluntary group which is designed to deliver psychological first aid to people during and after major incidents or traumatic events. Last night was the first session, I had already filled in a psychological evaluation which seemed quite thin to me. I wanted one of those inky blot tests that I can pronounce but not spell, and at least some sort of word association. I have filled in a thing on Facebook called 'Are you a psychopath?' and I was tempted to attach it to the evaluation, as the outcome was an emphatic 'no'. 

The team of people designed to leap into action during extreme trauma are certainly a mixed bunch. GRIT stands for Grief Recovery and Incident Team. It can't be an accident that that acronym was used and I definitely want a tshirt proclaiming that I am a GRIT officer and must be obeyed at all times. I also want a tazer and an A Team style minivan which I can use at the weekends to solve mysteries. These were my primary reasons for joining the volunteer team but I had to change them because everyone else's were so worthy and righteous. I was tempted at many points to yell 'Death or Glory' and leap into the air firing two imaginary machine guns but thankfully fought this urge. 

I will update you on my progress. Next week I am hoping to introduce the notion of codenames. My first choice would be 'Nighthawk' but I would also settle for 'Lightening', 'Optimus' or 'Whippet'.

Elsewhere in DS Life.....

Celebrated the birthday of my mother and also a rhino called Tank who lives in Animal Crossing. Bought my mum a bracelet and Tank a playroom rug.

Provided shoulder to cry on to old pal who was wearing a rather distracting Dinosaur Jr tshirt.

Continued to read the John Peel autobiography, another thing we have in common, which would certainly have made us BFF if not for geography, access issues, untimely death - the loathing of being thought of as a hanger on.

Engaged as 'Editor' in new website called www.endofshow.com being 'produced' by Gossi and 'content managed' by good old Pasha, who will one day rule the universe.




 

Originally posted in Swine Magazine

As a lapsed Catholic there are really only two ways I could have attended the recent Richard Dawkins lecture at the Phil and not lost my saved seat in the afterlife. 1 – stand up halfway through and yell things at him, 2 – go on a comp and claim I was just there for the free bread sticks and a nice sit down.

I chose the latter.

Professor Richard Dawkins is now a major celebrity in the world of airport bookshop theologians. His book ‘The God Delusion’ has been printed in over 30 languages and has sold in excess of 1.5 million copies. Dawkins opens his lecture with these statistics, giving you a taster of how humble and unassuming he is. He follows with a slide showing the many titles which have been written purely in opposition to his work; “The Dawkins Delusion”; “Deluded By Dawkins”; “Intellectuals Don’t Need God and Other Myths”; and so on and so forth into infinity. Dawkins laps up this attention, to him it’s just further confirmation that the religious hate to be challenged. The first ten minutes of the hour long lecture are designed to impress upon any doubters in the audience the importance of Dawkins and his theories in today’s mondo-secular society.

Not that there are many doubters here. Most of them are outside with placards, one was chanting ‘Don’t let Dawkins make a monkey out of you’, alluding to the Professors stance on creationism. Inside the largest of the Phil’s lecture rooms those who don’t fully subscribe to Dawkins’ theories are notable by their absence. Every conclusion he reaches is accompanied by a silent chorus of nods, as if he is intoning some indefatigable truth rather than shooting religious fish in a barrel. I began to wonder why these people were here, paying £20 plus to hear what they already agree with, re-packaged with slides from the book they paid a tenner for.

The myth of Dawkins is more compelling than the fact. I was brought up as a Roman Catholic and though religion still plays some part in my life, usually through family ritual, I was ready for Dawkins to present me with something in the atheist position that I could agree with, or at least relate to. I was expecting this Oxford don to outsmart me in some way, to pose questions that I had no answer to. I was Dorothy, wandering down the yellow brick road to see the Wizard, and to match the analogy, I just saw an old man behind a curtain.

What Dawkins says is easy to say, make no mistake about it. Easier than telling people to ‘love thy neighbour’ certainly. He comes across not as an intellectual, or even a great speaker, but as a self-satisfied bore preaching to the converted. At one point he challenges God to strike him down with a thunderbolt – seeking attention from the deity he’s decrying as if the Almighty has nothing better to do than cut a jumped-up travelling salesman down to size.

Part of Dawkins’ problem is the dichotomy of belief vs. fact which he brings on himself and then can’t escape from. No matter how hard he tries, Dawkins can’t separate God and religion from physics and the universe. Even school aged children soon get over the idea of God as a man who lives in the sky, but Dawkins continues to rattle his bones over the lack of ‘proof’ of God’s existence. Much of his ‘lecture’ is concerned with making cheap digs at the religious, even reducing himself to mocking those who pray for their loved ones to recover from illness, literally sniggering at their belief that God has intervened when the much longed-for upturn in health arrives.

I was bored of Dawkins long before he got to the most distasteful part if the lecture, where he begins to pick away at single Biblical references. He obsesses over the Christian God and tellingly shies away from Allah, Buddha, Ganesh etc. After all, no-one likes the God he describes in ‘The God Delusion’, the Old Testament God who went Old School on the humanity after they started copulating with goats and murdering each others’ children because they were fed up. No, we like Jesus better, he even looks a bit like Brad Pitt in all those pictures and he everyone agrees her was a stand up bloke. Dawkins barely mentions Jesus, or that the basic tenets of Christianity are all concerned with being nice to each other and not breaking the law. He’d rather dwell on Genesis and the startling revelation that it MIGHT NOT ALL BE TRUE!

Throughout this lecture, Richard Dawkins never attempts to broach the simplest question of religion. Why do people believe? What exactly is in it for them? He rails against indoctrinisation but wants to indoctrinate us into atheism. He accepts no other belief system than his own, and delights in picking on the easiest of targets, like Ted Haggard, the American Evangelical preacher who was revealed to have a penchant for rent boys. It’s a good job that God hasn’t called an early judgement day because with this reasoning He might have seen Dawkins and junked us all. You can play this game with atheists too by the way, if he can ignore Mother Theresa and Father Damien of Molokai then I can ignore Baba Amte and Margaret Sanger and choose none other than Napalm Death to represent all Atheists. Don’t look so cool now do they?

During the dubious question and answer session (sample question : “Why are you so right, and where can I buy your books?”) a brave woman asked whether the survival of religion into the modern age when so much of it has been debunked by science could mean that religion has an evolutionary advantage. As you might expect, the answer was ‘I don’t know’, but it was preceded by a ridiculously complex and wordy answer which possibly only Dawkins himself will ever understand. I was bamboozled by the reply and so was the woman asking the question, as all other queries had been answered with plain English and very concisely. Dawkins had been rumbled and he pulled his secret weapon of academic waffle out the bag to send the woman back to her seat wondering why she bothered.

Comedian Matt Morgan recently compared Dawkins to Professor Yaffle from Bagpuss, commenting that his dismissal of all religiosity was similar to the woodpecker knocking the organ mice down to size with “It’s not a boat, it’s just a silly old shoe”. This sums Richard Dawkins up beautifully, he doesn’t allow for joy or hope in anything that can’t be quantified and proven. Take him to Westminster Abbey at vespers and he’ll probably prefer his own audio book on the iPod. Show him the Ali Mosque in Cairo and no doubt he’ll be tapping at the brickwork complaining it isn’t properly pointed. He may be the ‘Darwin’s Rottweiler’ to some, but he won’t shake of the Great and Powerful Oz analogy until he takes on some real opposition.
Originally published in Swine Magazine

Awards. I never get any. Actually, I once won Best Film at the Lymm Film Festival, beating a short film which had been made by David Yip. Now every time I see him in some marginal TV stereotype role (‘David Yip as Laundry Manager, David Yip as Takeway Manager, David Yip as Chinese Prime Minister’) I have a silent chuckle to myself.

Awards are important in life. They teach us crucial lessons about how to hate, how to seethe and how to gloat. They bring out the most disgusting of human emotions, and that is all they do. They encourage people to compare themselves to others and to spend their every waking moment imagining how a faceless panel, or in the worst cases the ‘public’ – those blithering hateful idiots, will judge the minutiae of their worth against some other hapless soul. As soon as I went to the front of the conference suite of the Park Royal in Stretton to accept my plywood and brass award from the Chairman of Lymm Film Society, I felt superior, like one of God’s own children. One of the older, nice ones too, not the snotty little git he sent down here to Earth to get tortured. During my acceptance speech I longed to say “And finally, thanks to all of the other nominees for being not quite good enough. Enjoy your lives as second best, losers!”

The Brit Awards were decried by none other than Craig David in their run up. I bet they felt like calling the whole thing off and just calling it a draw after he accused them of ‘Missing the 8 Ball’ by not nominating people like him anymore. The Brits mean as little as any other award ceremony because all they measure is ‘goodness’. Is this Mika record good, or not good? Is Kylie good? Who the goodest out of Kate Nash and KT Tunstall. Maybe if they actually gave awards for Britishness, they would become more relevant, and simultaneously give those hopeful immigrants some idea of what it is to be British, so they could stop revising by watching ‘Love Thy Neighbour’.

In terms of ‘Britishness’, the Arctic Monkeys deserve their award. Alex Turner sings like a whiny scal from Sheffield, which he is. They write songs about going to the pub and then getting in a taxi and going home. At the Brits ceremony they dressed up in tweeds and plus fours and thanked their old pals from the Brit School (where they never went). They were indulging in that old British pursuit Taking The Piss, which is a skill that non-Brits have never really honed that well. Americans get a bit obvious and aggressive when they try and Take The Piss. Ditto Australians. Watch and learn all you would be Britishers, this is how the experts do it.

Kate Nash may have gone to the Brit School but she deserved her award too. The likes of Leona Lewis are still aping Whitney and Beyonce with their ‘you may have dumped me but I’m gonna sell your bling and buy handbags’ brand of female empowerment, whereas Nash’s songs tell of her boyfriend being a bit of a knob and being too shy to flirt with someone. “I’ll leave you there til the morning and I purposely won’t turn the heating on’ is as harsh as Kate gets with her wayward men. British through and through.

Take That win on humility alone. They are the first to admit they were on the downs (not the Barlow obviously, he was rolling around in cash and pasties like a proper Cheshire millionaire) but after re-forming, storming through an acclaimed tour and selling 50 gazillion albums they should have rightly spent their time at Robbie’s house, pissing up the walls, stamping on his head and yelling ‘Who’s laughing now you fat loser?’ whilst shoving gold discs up his arse sideways. Instead they shrug and smile and say thank you, rejecting schadenfreude and only enjoying their ‘I Told You So’ moments in the privacy of their private yachts.

Conversely, Amy Winehouse should have her Brit rescinded on grounds of being an Americanised caricature of a pop soul singer with an unhealthy obsession for her ‘incarcerated’ hubbie which comes straight from the trailer parks of New Jersey. Just what is that accent she sings with? Sarf London? Don’t think so. Adele has the dodgy accent going on aswell but she reminds us all of that Great British Paradigm – the chunky barmaid with a good set of pipes. Gawd bless her! Kylie won as International Female on the ‘You Didn’t Die’ ticket and would actually be borderline British if she hadn’t shagged a Frenchman.

Until there are some real independent music awards which are voted for by people who have a clue and are definitely not the derisible ‘public’, we have to put up with the Brits. I hope to be nominated myself next year, hopefully against David Yip. Suck on that loser!
Oh Brixton.....Not been there for years and unfortunately my hotel was a billion miles away so I just got there in time for The Cribs.This tour has seemed a bit weird to me - it's the crowds, and knowing that some people are not there for The Cribs, which is an unusual feeling. It's kind of a relief that it's all over and now we can get back to proper tours.

Went to the front but the ever swelling tide of knobheads pushing round were making it hard to stand up. Having worked all day then travelled for four hours to get here and walked all over bloody Kings Cross looking for the world's best hidden hotel I was in no mood to stand and be elbowed repeatedly by some idiot. I stood at the front for about half and hour and then headed towards the back to find somewhere to stand where I could actually see something.

The back of a Cribs gig is a strange place, I've never been there before! People were actually standing still while songs like Hey Scenesters! were playing, it was really surreal. There were definitely some people there who had been guestlisted and didn't want to be there because they were just chatting - yes, actually chatting! - while the band were playing. 'Sod this for a lark', I thought and went back into the melee where there was a bit of atmosphere. The lads were playing brilliantly but they didn't seem to be having much fun, they looked a bit tired.

Be Safe was excellent, there had been rumours that Lee Renaldo was going to be coming on stage in person to sing it but that didn't happen. I don't know if it ever was but I think if it had transpired I might have passed out with pleasure and been stretchered out. Incidentally, this is the first Cribs gig I have been too where I have been in no way injured, so something of a milestone for me, though I did miss the adrenaline of not knowing if I'd survive the night. (A bit dramatic maybe, the last injury was a piffling scratch to the hand from a broken plastic cup, not exactly Keith Moon territory).

Afterwards headed to the afterparty thing at Jamm in Brixton with my mate Clarry. There were a couple of really good bands playing and the Cribs were supposed to be DJing but that never happened so we got Russell from Bloc Party. He was alright I suppose, throwing in some superbly cheesy 90s dance music, but there was an indie crowd there being treated to trance and a lot of people wandered off until he relented and played something singable. Jamm's a good place, and the crowd there were really friendly and happy, not like the deplorable poseurs you get in some London clubs on Fridays.

So it's the end of the tour, I've travelled over 600 miles, spent a fortune, seen four superb Cribs performances, been branded by the worlds biggest stamp courtesy of the Jing Jang Jong, been scratched by Shippo's cat, drunk my weight in bitter and vodka and come out the other side. Same time next month then.....
Still sleep deprived from last night I got an early train up to Leeds for the HMV signing. I've never been to one of these things before and the whole thing seems a bit odd but I thought I may as well. After finding myself in the wrong HMV, and then in the wrong end of town I finally saw the mini queue and got in it, before realising that I was supposed to buy something from HMV first (this wasn't actually the case but as usual there was some kind of Chinese whispers going on about the hoops you had to jump through to actually get something signed). I was too tired to fully understand the situation and ended up buying a Klaxons album I didn't want to get the NME vinyl which I've already got. Luckily some lad kept my place in the queue, but I ended up sandwiched between the cast of Skins who were all trying to get off with each other over my head. It was as it this point that the bouncers came round handing out the NME vinyl for nothing and I quietly seethed.

The lads were running late, by about an hour, but the queue moved quite quick and got my album box thing and vinyl signed. I handed over a CD to Ryan of Men's Need and Foundations being played on the pan pipes. Apparently it was played at the after party accompanied by various confused looks.

Managed to find my hotel even though it was hidden away down some back alley and I was back out meeting up with uber fans Kelly, Emma and Donna at the Pack Horse. We made it to the Leeds Uni Refectory by about 8 ish I think. Some guy approached me with a camera and asked could he take my picture for the Joe Lean website. "Of course!" I smile, not realising that he's about to stamp my arm with a 6 x 4" Joe Lean logo. Most of it rubbed off on people in the pit, leaving just a large black smudge on my arm. The picture isn't up on the gallery yet but I'm sure I look demented.

Bumped into Mrs Jarman who was dismayed at the length of the toilet queue. Do they not have toilets back stage at the Uni? Poor show to make a triple A guest queue up for three hours. Saw a load of people from Cribsmas which was nice. We went up to the front when The Cribs came on but there was a massive screen blocking off most of the left hand side of the stage so we had to go into the melee to see anything. I can't remember the setlist for the life of me, but they played most of the last album. Be Safe was superb. Johnny Marr made a re-appearance having been MIA for the last few dates to play Panic and something else which I've forgotten.

Kelly and I went on to the Library where Jonny Strangeways was playing upstairs. I got asked for ID on the way in, which made my night. It's a great venue, never been there before but it has the added advantage of a stage for all the show off dancers who've drunk too much. (Like me for example). A lot of the people from the gig were there as it was billed as the aftershow party for the gig, though the band (minus Ryan, get well soon ) and assorted crew were actually downstairs in the main pub.

What ensued after is best left to the school of "What goes on tour stays on tour".Onwards to Brixton and annihilation.
doubleshiny: Shark jumping from the water (Default)
( Feb. 8th, 2008 10:45 pm)

Normally the Liverpool gigs are at the Academy or Barfly so it was bit confusing going up to the University Guild, not been there since I went to watch my ex-boyfriend doing an interpretive dance (don't ask). The chatty cabby on the way up was telling us that he went to see The Sex Pistols in Keighley in 1977. Couldn't understand all of it because of his accent but the phrase "shagging the girl next door" leaked through.


The Ting Tings were alright, I didn't catch them at Manchester because I was in the pub but they weren't as objectionable as I thought they were going to be. After being treated to the delights of DIOY,Y on Saturday I went for a sit off with my mate Kev while they were on,we could hear them anyway, the bar's right next to the gig room, but I'm bored of glowsticks. What's with the bars at these places, they're staffed by idiots! These people are studying on degree programmes but they can't work out who's turn it is to be served at a bar. If they're the future of the country God help us.


Joe Lean were alright, I quite liked them at Manchester but then I realised last night that their moves are exactly the same, it's all choreographed. They're enthusiastic enough I guess but the whole thing seems really rehearsed. Mind you I'm comparing them to the Cribs in that respect, probably unfair.


I was stood right at the barrier on the left hand side near Ryan so I had a great view of the bouncers throwing crowd surfers out of the fire doors. What's up with that? Apparently some community minded people were letting them back in through the other fire exits - I applaud you. I seemed to be surrounded by class 4c again, they weren't moving much but they did scream when the lads walked on. Still can't get used to that.


DYWBR and Bovine Public are great to start sets with, I thoroughly approve. Can't remember what came after that, but Hey Scenesters! was there somewhere. Martell, You're Gonna Lose Us and Mirror Kissers were there, at one point during the latter (I think) Ryan's mic stand fell over, Shippo came to prop it up and Gary jumped on him and wouldn't let him get up. Ryan then led the assembly in a chant of "Shippo!". Later when I was queuing for the cloackroom the lad behind me said "Wasn't it great when that stage gimp came on - what was his name? Skipton?"  


Ryan was reaching out to people being pulled over the barrier but they were being thrown straight out, which was rubbish. I'd like to think that he played Concrete Life in response to the heavy handed bouncers but probably not. It was ace anyway, and went straight into We Can No Longer Cheat You.


Ryan's thing this tour seems to be 'dressing up box'. There's something quite endearing about watching a grown man trying to simultaneously put on a girl's cardigan and play the guitar. He requested that people throw as many clothes on stage as possible because he's run out of tshirts. Cue a barrage of assorted shirts and jumpers and a withering look from Gary as the lot has to be kicked off stage. "You can make a difference - charity begins on tour" says Ryan. Funnily enough I don't think he'll be making an appearance dressed in Primark cardies for the other dates on the tour.


The best audience response came from the tracks from MNWNW, and it seemed like a lot of the crowd didn't know anything from The Cribs or The New Fellas. At one point Ryan asked "Have yous got the New Fellas?" and a big cheer went up but I think they were fibbing because from where I was stood there was a muted response to some of the album tracks from it. Another Number was very popular, obviously. I'm A Realist came right in the middle of the set so we knew there was going to be no appearance from Johnny Marr. The night ended with Wrong Way To Be and the customary stage dive from Ryan, even though he said he'd been told he's not allowed to do it anymore. Could this be after the alleged knee-in-eye-socket incident at Lincoln Engine Shed? Have you had an accident that wasn't your fault? You could be entitled to compensation from Jarman Injury Lawyers 4U.


Leeds next - I must admit I'm knackered but happy.


Manchester last night was a bit of a weird one. I think we all knew that there'd  be a different atmosphere on this tour and that there would be a lot more, for want of a better word, Scenesters, about. I never thought it would be this bad though: for a start, maybe I'm just getting on a bit but everyone there seemed to be about nine years old. I avoided the bar because the scrum was a joke and I knew I'd have to pay about £4 for slightly less than a pint of lukewarm watered down beer. I don't care what they say, it is watered down, because I can drink about eight pints of it and still recite Hamlet.

I settled down the front with some children. Honest, they were children, they were barely out of nappies. Does It Offend You, Yeah? They were rubbish. I was trying to like them but I just couldn't, it was crap. I got a MIDI keyboard a few days ago and my attempts to learn how to use it were about the same standard as what they played. It sounds really soulless and flat, and I don't think lifting your keyboard above your head and screaming is any way to end a set.

Joe Lean and his Jing Jang Jongers were up next, but first I can see Shippo wandering round on stage - he looks like the other techies are bullying him and he looks a bit lost. I'm sure that wasn't the case but I was half expecting him to be at the bottom of a piley on within minutes.

I quite like Joe Lean but Jesus Christ, they're all freakishly tall.What's going on with them? They look like the Tim Burton House Band, all pointy bits and black clothes. I liked the drummer, I thought he was brilliant, and they were interesting to watch but it got a bit tired quite quick.

At this point I decided to move because I already wanted to murder everyone around me. I went outside for some fresh air and got accosted by someone trying to sign people up to the Joe Lean mailing list. The Academy's being remodelled or something so there's a big corridor of red steel leading up the portaloos they've set up. All the smokers are out here. As I'm walking back in a guy points at me says "See? That's what it's all about!".I have no idea what that meant.

Back in and I decide to swap sides of the stage and get near Gary's end, as it were. What a grave error. Started out okay, I went to the front but there was a gaggle of glitter faced girls in front of me,blocking my view. Out of the corner of my eye I see Ryan coming out of a side door.

"Look! It's Ryan!" says I. Cue a screaming stampede as the girls run towards him waving their cameras about. I slot into the second row nicely as Ryan gets mobbed by them. Sorry mate, survival of the fittest and all that.

Unfortunately I'm stood behind My Little Fucking Pony, who keeps swishing her mangy tail into my face every 5 seconds. I amuse myself by blowing it out of the way until she tucks the thing into her jumper where it belongs. The view here is okay but I'm surrounded by complete idiots who seem to know all the Cribs' lyrics but don't know that when you stand in the front at a gig you might get shoved around. All the way through some outrageously camp bloke and his hefty friend are jabbing me, kicking me, shouting right down my fucking ears. I stopped carrying a knife a long time ago, lucky for these two. I couldn't reach into my pockets or I would have stuck them with a Cribs Online badge.

Anyhow, the gig was excellent. Bastards Of Young, Bovine, I've Tried Everything were really good. Be Safe was great, I had a feeling they might bring it into their set after the Brudenell because it worked so well there. I didn't realise until today that there had been a film of Lee on the big screens, I was too far forward to see, but that's an ace idea, I hope to get a look at it on Thursday at Leeds. The lads had a picture of their recently deceased dog Olly on their drum skin, which made me quite emotional cos my own dog died a week ago. I'm sure they'll be playing happily in doggy heaven, both sick of hearing The Cribs being played constantly round the house.

I was beginning to think that Johnny Marr wasn't gonna come on because they were getting closer and closer to curfew time, but just before the end Ryan announces him and on he comes to applause which I think they call 'rapturous'. Truth be told I think some of the crowd were too young and stupid to know who we was. I swear to God someone next to me (the same girl who screamed at the top of her lungs when Gary walked out) said "Is that their brother that they said was dead?", Ryan having previously called Olly the 'fourth Jarman brother'. Panic was really good, it actually suits the Cribs, it's quite angry and anthemy isn't it? Never thought of it like that with Mozzers dulcit tones on it, but Ryan adds a bit of edge.

I couldn't hear what Marr was doing quite frankly, because the sound was awful, but it looked good. Ryan looked ecstatic when he walked on stage. They finished off with I'm A Realist,which I enjoyed from the back of the room as I was worried about the old 'night in Oxford Road station' that I've risked so many times before.

In terms of experience this was probably the worst Cribs gig I've been too, which isn't a reflection on the band at all, they were superb as always. I just felt a bit out of it, like it was a festival performance where you're the only one there to see them. Liverpool's always a good craic, so fingers crossed that'll pick me up on Thursday.
Originally published in Swine Magazine

Christmas and rock music go together like turkey and avian flu. When rock musicians try to encroach on the dusty glamour of the festive season it always ends badly, like an office party where the boss leaves at 9, or an attempted family reunion with that uncle who’s out on bail. Put Christmas and rock together and you get The Darkness poncing around a fireplace wearing tinsel. You get David Bowie trying not to trip over Bing’s colostomy bag.You get Bob Fucking Geldof.

Unperturbed by all of this misery, some artists are still trying to the glitz and the guitar solo together, more recently with the idea of Christmas shows. Now these have been rolled out in the past by everyone from Rick Wakeman to Ned’s Atomic Dustbin who even broadcast theirs on the internet, but last December saw the likes of The Wombats, CSS and Jarvis Cocker all set up special festive performances. The king of all these however, was the cutely-named ‘Cribsmas’ – featuring Wakefield punk trio The Cribs and an assortment of their celebrity friends.




 


 



Ryan Jarman at the Cribs' Christmas gig at the Brudenell Social Club, Leeds



Originally designed as a fundraising exercise for Cystic Fibrosis, the three night residency at the Brudenell Social Club in Leeds turned into a rampaging behemoth as it became apparent that The Cribs’ ‘special guests’ may well include their old pals The Kaiser Chiefs and Franz Ferdinand, and guitarist Ryan Jarman’s current squeeze Kate Nash. By the time the extended indie-glitterati had realised that this might be a good prospect, the tickets were long gone, snapped up hungrily by superfans and ebay touters alike. At one point the £30 three day passes were being sold at internet auction for over 20 times their value, and The Cribs’ online fan base were desperately scrabbling for spares whilst all the time the lucky few checked their email confirmations over and over, for fear some small print loophole meant they had to recite the reg number of the band’s tour van before being allowed in.

The Brudenell was described by the NME’s Gavin Haynes as “a functioning working men’s club”, as opposed to the hundreds preserved by the National Trust presumably. He gushes about the “tacky seventies furniture” and “weathered carpet” like a cut price Michael Palin describing a kibbutz. In normal people’s terms, it’s a social club, with the only visible concessions to the event being an endearingly half-arsed banner and a t-shirt stand. The regulars are used to the influx of indie kids, as the Brudenell has a tradition of staging seminal gigs and getting the best and brightest from the UK music scene before the NME gets their grubby hands on them.
With the event being staged over three days there’s a kind of festival atmosphere at the Brudenell. There is much hugging amongst people you suspect have never met outside of Facebook or the previously mentioned Cribs forum. People are excited. Really excited. The prospect is this : The Cribs will play everything they have ever recorded. That means demos, b-sides, album tracks, everything. The first night will be occupied by their earliest demos, first album and b-sides from that period, and so the nights will continue. The band are in effect supporting themselves as they will take to the stage first to begin their chronological march across the discography, before making way for the aforementioned ‘support acts’.







Kate Nash supporting on Thursday night at the Brudenell

Something quite strange is happening front of stage. People are talking to each other, they’re milling and laughing and messing about. A couple of likely lads are dressed as Father Christmas and Kate Nash is pulling a fan around by the arm looking to introduce her to Ryan. It’s a bit like an office party, when your boss is also your mate and doesn’t mind you telling him how much you love him. There’s no room for cynicism here. Between sets the promoter of Wire Club’s Strangeways night launches into some Jarman-called bingo. “27, my age but don’t tell anyone!” winks Ryan as he thoroughly enters into the spirit of the occasion. Later there’ll be another round of the pint-pulling contest between band members and bar staff, interspersed with such merriment as a Cribs pub quiz and even musical statues. Cool is out the window, and it was never welcome here anyway.

In a bizarrely heart-warming turn of events the band seem to be dressing in their old ‘costumes’ to harken back to the good old days. Ryan Jarman bloodies his own lip during the ‘New Fellas’ set when this was a regular occurrence. His vintage Gitanes tshirt has already been shredded by the crowd, after surviving a Libertines tour. Drummer Ross has on the glittery waistcoat which was mocked in one of their early live reviews by Leeds Music Scene. They are self-referential, even ‘doing’ lines from their documentary film ‘Leave Too Neat’, but it’s not self-aggrandising, it’s more like a group of (200 plus) old friends reminiscing and telling in-jokes.




Gary Jarman on Wednesday night

When all the festivities are over and everyone has made a hundred new mates, sweated a few gallons and had their turn at slurring ‘”I love you guys canihaveaphotoplease?” it’s off to Wire, probably Leeds’ premier indie hotspot, to hear a DJ set by, you’ve guessed it, The Cribs! The entire Brudenell crowd seem to have decamped here, along with the band and their mates. It’s 5am before the place looks like calming down and even then there’s a glint in the eye of every Cribs fan leaving the place. They look like they’ve been whacked with sweat-soaked cricket bats but you can bet they’d do the same thing again tomorrow, and the next day, and that if the Cribs had 400 albums to get through it wouldn’t be a problem.

Christmas gigs may be de riguer, but this is more than that, it’s a bonding experience between a band who has tasted success and come back to nudge their fans and say “this is alright isn’t it?”. As we leave Wire some fans are hugging the band’s tour manager. When was the last time you saw a gig so good you did that?


 


 

Chris 'Shippo' Shipton, the Cribs guitar tech/tour manager

 



doubleshiny: Shark jumping from the water (Default)
( Dec. 21st, 2007 10:49 pm)
After another good long lie in for the girls it's out to Leeds to seek out some food. We end up wandering round the Corn Exchange before heading to Nandos where we have a chat about The Cribs.

Mia asks me how I got into the band and I relate my too-long-to-tell story. I was managing a radio station and working all the hours God sent, and I was hearing virtually every new song, every new band around, and none of it was doig anything for me. I'd given up on new music, and I was so close to putting a full stop after my record collection. Was The Thrills really the best that music could offer? I was disillusioned and fed up, I'd fallen out with music. Amid a hectic day yet another CD landed on my desk for me to listen to. I really couldn't be bothered and held out no hope that it was any good. Well, I heard the opening bass riff of Things You Should Be Knowing and 2 minutes and 53 seconds later I'd put music back into my life. I had to know everything about this band, they had be on my A-list, and all of a sudden I cared about what music we had on the station. I made sure me and my staff were always seeking out new stuff and going to gigs, and I've not looked back since. The Cribs renewed my faith in what music could be - pounding, raw, real and visceral.

"That's what you should have said to Ryan, " said Mia. "You know, instead of just kissing him like a knobhead". That's not exactly what she said, but you get the gist.

Back at the Brudenell and we're sitting in the lounge again. Jon Slade is wandering about,as are The Kaiser Chiefs. There's a strangely muted atmosphere, like everyone knows it's coming to an end. Ryan's wearing his 'Christmas suit' and looks right handsome. The b-sides from this album are ace aren't they? I haven't got much to say about it really, it was just brilliant.

Bingo is being called by Ryan, but the LED board's broken. Jonny ends up just writing numbers on a bit of paper, and then just whispering them. There's nothing scientific going on here and pretty soon it's all chaos again.

Shippo introduces the Kaiser Chiefs and off they pop. I'm not one to be unkind but if the mince pie eating contest had gone ahead I think we would have had a clear winner with Ricky Wilson. He's a healthy lad, there's no mistake.

Another auction and I, in my inebriated state, find myself bidding. I'm about to go £200 into the hole for a pair of Ryan's jeans when my Sensible Brain (Drunk Brain's sickly sister) tells me to put my bloody arm down and stop being so silly. The person bidding against me is one Kate Nash. Now what does she need with an old pair of her boy's jeans? Kate - listen to your conscience and send them to me girl.

Ross is the Jarman VS the barman, who is actually Peanut from the Kaisers, and he wins by a country mile. It's those muscly arms you see.

Anyone who's been to the tour dates this year has seen most of the new album being played but there's still the matter of Be Safe. Everyone was hoping that Lee might make it over the water to join the lads on stage but that's a treat for the future. He's on a tape and it's still brilliant. At the end of the set, after Don't You Wanna Be Relevant, the crowd are still chanting for more. "We're really happy that you want us to carry on," says Gary. "But we literally haven't got any more songs". The crowd responds by singing the intro to Another Number, so they come on and do that before collapsing, dead on the stage.(That didn't actually happen, but it might've).

For the last three nights I've been handing out badges featuring Gary and Ryan from The Cribs Online. Some people are a bit suspicious, giving me that 'How much?' look. By far the most asked question is "Why aren't there any of Ross?" The truth is, he doesn't stay still long enough for me to take his picture, but I'm working on it.

There's no rest for the wicked tonight though, we're off to Wire to hear the Cribs DJ set. It's all ticket and we have to queue outside in the bloody freezoing cold but at least it's warm in there. Jonny's playing a lot of Cribs and before I know it I'm being pulled into a rough waltz to The Watch Trick by a handsome young man who turns out to be our own Duke of Wakefield from the Cribs forum. The place is packed and there's a great atmosphere so the time flies by and before we know it it's 4am. Gary and Nick Scott have been spinning discs, Ross has also had a go but Ryan's settled in with his missus. I'm dancing in a haze as usual when Mia grabs me and says "Come and meet Gary!" dragging me into the corner. He's very taken with Mia as she's come all this way and they're chatting away while I try and stay upright.With him is the guy who's been filming all three nights and Gary mentions that there'll be some kind of book of pictures coming along with the DVD. We have some pics taken with Our Gaz and then we're off, walking through the streets of Leeds as the sun starts to come up.

Roughly three hours later Mia is off to catch her flight back to Estonia via Dublin and I'm still sound asleep, trying to recoup the energy lost over 3 days. It's been emotional.
doubleshiny: Shark jumping from the water (Default)
( Dec. 19th, 2007 10:50 pm)
Well, I wasn't sure if I'd make it when this was announced. Everyone, but everyone wanted a ticket. A few early mornings with people on standby at the computer, work forgotten, a few favours and a begging email to my boss to let me have the time off and at 4.30pm on Wednesday December 19th I'm off to Leeds.

My room mate at the luxurious (!) Comfort Inn is Mia aka Backseat Driver from the official forum, which I where I seem to have been living recently. She's already booked in and there's the small matter of the bill which has to be paid up front. Now I've stayed in hotels all over the place and never have I been asked to pay for the whole stay on the first night. Quite a hole in the old beer fund but then it is the Brudenell we're going to.

Mia's lovely and we have to get to know each other in the taxi queue. I have to give a spare ticket I got to another girl from the forum, Kelly, who's waiting for us outside. She's grateful to say the least, I've never been hugged so much by a perfect stranger in my entire life, but then I like being hugged so I feel more Christmassy straight away. The lovely bustling ladies at the bar are charging something like 12p for a pint and my liver seems to kick me internally as if to say "Calm down!". Us three girls and Kelly's mate set up on a table in the lounge and we're soon accosted by two Scottish lads with absolutely impenetrable accents. I catch the odd word, like 'Cribs' and 'pissed' but the rest means nothing to me, we're just all smiling and nodding at each other. Mia, who's Estonian, managed to catch more than me, what does that tell you?

Having previously been determined not to spend a fortune this week I've already passed £18 quid over for a wrongly spelled Brudenell tshirt and a Cribsmas badge. I'm beginning to regret bringing my very bulky, very expensive leather jacket which is much to hot to wear inside this place. As we queue and go into the gig room my core temperature shoots to about 400 degrees and I have to carry it round all night.

It feels a bit weird to actually be here. Feels like I've been building up to coming for years when it's actually just over 6 weeks. Inside my Team Jarman tshirt has attracted a few other forum members (it's also my avatar), including Lizzy from Durham who comes to hang out with us as we soak up the carnival atmosphere. As The Cribs come out and run through their early demos and get to I Gotta Go To LA I'm transported back to when I first hear them in 2003, when this was one of the few songs I could get hold of off Limewire. After that mini-set they're off to recuperate and we're going to play Bingo with Jonny. It's very exciting, but I never win at Bingo,I can't actually remember what the prizes were but I think they were probably good. Gary's calling the numbers with the help of Jonny's professional looking LED board.

Franz Ferdinand are on next, I feel like another trip to the bar as it's calmed down a bit, I'm just ordering my pint when out of the corner of my eye I see two people snogging each others faces off. Being a nosey cow, I have to have a little look and lo and behold if it isn't Ryan and Miss Kate Nash. It's hypnotic actually, hard to tear yourelf away, especially when the said tongue action is so close to your head that you can hear each individual smacking sound. With pint in hand I go and stand at the back of the room where it's a bit cooler while Franz are on. I'm aware of a slight commotion next to me and Ryan and Kate, having stopped kissing, are being accosted by the very same Scottish lads that we encountered earlier. Amazingly, Ryan seems to understand every word that's being said, it's still a mystery to me. Meanwhile, one has broken off to invite me to spend Christmas with his family.

As Franz Ferdinand are closing I'm about to head down the stairs before my Drunk Brain says "Hey, Kirst, why not go and say hello to Ryan? I'm sure he's love that!". Didn't quite work out like that, what actually happened was I said "Ryan?", he looked at me, and at this point my Drunk Brain bailed out, and all I could think of to do was kiss him, so I did. Then I looked at Kate Nash and thought, "He's her bloke, I'd better kiss her too". Thanks Drunk Brain! You're super! Now I'm going to stand in a corner and bang my head against the wall.

Onto round one of Barman VS Jarman with Mr Gary Jarman facing...someone, I can't remember. There's no point in trying to get anywhere near the bar as word has got round that they'll be giving the beer pulled away for free. I gather that it was indeed the Barman and not the Jarman who was victorious. There follows a rather raucous game of Pass The Parcel where Cribs signed records (not by them) and dog toys are won by needy children. The music playing sounds like the Star Wars Christmas Special.

The Cribs come on for act 2 and damn it if they aren't wearing their old 'costumes' from back in the day. There's Ryan in his Gitanes shirt, and Ross in his spangly waistcoat, and Gary in.....well, the kind of stuff he still wears I suppose. The set was obviously the first album chronologically, accompanied by some reminisces about Squirrel Records, Russell from the Research on keys and an emotional crowd surf where the legendary Gitanes tshirt was ripped from Ryan's torso and destroyed. "You should be ashamed of yourselves," says Gary, "he's had that t-shirt for 30 years......Since before he was born."

A highlight for me was Things You Should Be Knowing, my favourite Cribs song, the first one I ever heard, and a particularly special one when it's being sung by The Cribs faithful at this kind of event.

Sweating profusely, we get outside pronto and get a cab back to the Leeds Hilton for a brew and one of those brown biscuits you only get in hotels. I'm absolutely knackered but ready for the next night, here comes The New Fellas.......




It’s four thirty on a dismal Wednesday in half term. On Hotham Street, Liverpool a line of roughly a hundred assorted scals and indie kids are waiting to be let in to the Carling Academy. Suddenly a film crew appear with a bearded man with middle aged spread. This is Simon Gavin, head of A&R at Polydor and music ‘mogul’ at the helm of Channel 4’s new talent show MobileAct Unsigned. A few scally girls in brightly coloured tights yell ‘Who are you?’. They’ve got a point.

It’s not X-Factor, it’s not Fame Academy, it’s not Pop Idol. That’s the line that Channel 4 want everyone to swallow. Those shows are about stuffing one more glassy-eyed warbler into the already heaving pop industry, and pulling every string available to make sure that they peak and disappear, ready for the next one whereas Channel 4 describe MobileAct as ‘a multi-platform search to find the hottest unsigned band in Britain’. Multi-platform means it’s sponsored by and utilises mobile phone technology (like X-Factor), that viewers can interact with the programme using the internet (like X-Factor) and that the public can vote on the winner by texting in (just like…oh fuck it, I’ve made my point).

So it’s the indie band X-Factor, which Channel 4 seem a little embarrassed about. They shouldn’t, the talent show has always been a staple of TV scheduling and is a legitimate form of entertainment. The problem is that the viewing public know exactly how talent shows work, and that rather than a shiny new band being presented clean and ready-wrapped by the NME, Radio One, MTV and E4, we get to see every slip up, every desperate begging session, every in-fight and every tear before we even hear enough songs to fill an EP. We get the people before the product, which is an unnatural way to experience a band.


 




Back at the Carling Academy there are six bands waiting to perform to an invited audience of free ticket holders and blaggers. Alex James, the bass player from Blur, and the aforementioned Simon Gavin are sat on a white leather sofa looking like Blofeld and his gimp whilst a jovial floor manager heats up the crowd. These bands have already been through an online vote and an appearance in the heats, where they performed in front of such musical luminaries as Just Jack (who when faced with a tumult of indie bands was left repeating ‘it’s not really my kind of music’ like an idiot budgie), Mutya Buena and gawking fool Calvin Harris. The bands were then further whittled down with a series of ‘interviews’ where the judges broke their spirits, treated them like scum and forced a series of contrived in-fights.


 




In 2003, Simon Gavin told music industry directory Hitquarters the following ; ““If all you have are TV-associated projects, real talent has a problem getting noticed.” One of the real problems with public voting as it exists on Mobileact is the unreliable ballot. Bands are asked in the early stages to get as many people as possible to vote for them on the Mobileact, which basically means that the bands with the most mates (or the most mates with multiple email addresses) do better. The TV monster which Gavin warned us of four years ago also turns artists with raw creative talent and balls into toadies of the highest degree. In the second round of the show the acts are asked to perform acoustically and are judged on this, all ready for Radio One’s Live Lounge with Whiley. Where is it written that all bands have to reduce what they do down to its simplest and most generic form? At this stage, any electro or hip hop artists are at a distinct disadvantage, and quelle surprise, it’s the guitar based indie bands which get through.

 



The first band to play in the Liverpool round of the knockout stages are Revenue, a swaggering lot from rock ‘n’ roll Peterborough who are the embodiment of the ready-for-TV band that the judges seem intent on putting through. For filming purposes every band has to play two minutes of their song for camera coverage (ie filming from different angles) before they perform properly. Revenue churn out their two minutes looking like they’d rather be anywhere else, turning away from the audience and messing with their instruments whilst playing. All of a sudden, they’re being filmed for real and darn it if they aren’t bouncing around and gurning like indie jesters. The passion, the effort, all fake. They turn it on like they turn their amps on, and NOW we’re rock and roll stars! The judges love it.

In 2004, in an interview for the Guardian on the rise of ‘art rock’, Gavin told Alex Petridis that “record companies are in the position that they have a very successful mainstream roster and it would be criminal not to exploit the resources….not to try something different as well”. How times have changed. Gavin’s mantra on Mobileact has been ‘It’s not commercial enough. I can’t sell it.’ It seems those downloads are pinching tighter than expected.

All of the bands here tonight are too worshipful, too desperate and too easily persuaded. When Simon Gavin tells The Bad Robots, a ska tinged bunch with the best song of the evening, that they’re a ‘safe option’, they nod and grin like it’s the greatest moment of their lives. Alex James tells all-female The Mentalists that they remind him of 4 Non Blondes (possibly the first outing for that reference in 12 years) they giggle, blush and show mock horror before giggling again. All of these bands, being cowed by the bright lights and the backstage privileges, seem oblivious to the fact that they’re being sized up, poked, prodded and rejected based on a scant set of ideals.

I ask Simon Gavin who his favourite band of the series is. His answer is the same as host Alex Zane : Hijak Oscar. A blues/soul/folk band (their description) whose influences are either dead or haven’t released a record since the dawn of MP3. All fine and good you might say, but Gavin has spent the entire audition process saying that anything other than electro indie, indie rock or just plain indie is ‘a niche market’, or the old chestnut ‘too difficult to sell’. Hijak Oscar cannot win this competition – the votes will come from people who call blues and soul ‘their mum’s music’, and where does that leave Simon Gavin and his relevance to this show, primarily watched by 14 to 18 year olds? By the time the winning band are in a position to release their debut album, about 12 months from now, the music scene which Gavin is trying to shoe-horn them into will have moved on considerably. On the final auditions show, he told an aspiring soul singer that it was Lily Allen and Amy Winehouse who were selling records now, not Jamelia or Beverly Knight. The possibility that this might change was not mentioned, just as it wasn’t when Mr Gavin dismissed a Screamo band earlier in the series.

When I ask whether this contest will produce anything relevant to music today Alex Zane, the nicest man in television, convincingly toes the party line; “MobileAct gives these bands access to contacts that they wouldn’t get anywhere else. They’ll meet people here who will help them in the future and I think they’re all benefiting from the competition. Plus there’s the potential that we find an amazing band.”

But who are his favourite bands, and would they have entered a competition like this? “I like The Sex Pistols, The Clash, people like that. Things have changed in music now and you never know. There are platforms like myspace and bands are doing a lot of stuff themselves so they might well have done.”

It’s hard to imagine John Lydon re-writing Anarchy InThe UK for the acoustic guitar but you can see what Zane is getting at. Music has changed, the way that music is promoted has changed, the bands have to change to some extent because unlike the dark ages of Punk, New Wave and even Britpop, the processes and the people behind A&R are accessible to anyone with Wikipedia in their favourites.

I ask Alex James, cheese purveyor, whether Seymour (Blur when unsigned) would have done well in this competition. “Seymour? Seymour wouldn’t have been invited” he replies. No, Seymour would have sent in an unsolicited demo to Andy Ross, the Food records A&R, and invited them to their gig. In fact, that’s what they did, and they were signed. Ask a tiny indie label about this way of working today, and the response is different. Nobody wants demos any more, they want hype, numbers and a ready made band of followers. They want a website, some choice quotes and a million myspace friends, as well as a band who have done everything they’re about to pay the record company for before, done it better, and for free.

So what’s next for MobileAct and its confusing title? They have recently revealed that viewers will be able to re-instate one of the bands who have been ejected. The favourites seem to be Yorkshire-based The Headliners, five cheeky chaps with nu-rave clothes and some spiky indie pop songs which plough that barren furrow between McFly and The Buzzcocks. They’re adorable, and you can imagine spending five minutes in their company and not wanting to dig your eyes out with spoons. Luckily the public vote for the winner of MobileAct, so if The Headliners make it back into the competition they will almost certainly triumph. Whether this is a poison chalice for any up and coming band remains to be seen.
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