Manchester - So Much To Answer For

Manchester last night was a bit of a weird one. I think we all knew that there'd  be a different atmosphere on this tour and that there would be a lot more, for want of a better word, Scenesters, about. I never thought it would be this bad though: for a start, maybe I'm just getting on a bit but everyone there seemed to be about nine years old. I avoided the bar because the scrum was a joke and I knew I'd have to pay about £4 for slightly less than a pint of lukewarm watered down beer. I don't care what they say, it is watered down, because I can drink about eight pints of it and still recite Hamlet.

I settled down the front with some children. Honest, they were children, they were barely out of nappies. Does It Offend You, Yeah? They were rubbish. I was trying to like them but I just couldn't, it was crap. I got a MIDI keyboard a few days ago and my attempts to learn how to use it were about the same standard as what they played. It sounds really soulless and flat, and I don't think lifting your keyboard above your head and screaming is any way to end a set.

Joe Lean and his Jing Jang Jongers were up next, but first I can see Shippo wandering round on stage - he looks like the other techies are bullying him and he looks a bit lost. I'm sure that wasn't the case but I was half expecting him to be at the bottom of a piley on within minutes.

I quite like Joe Lean but Jesus Christ, they're all freakishly tall.What's going on with them? They look like the Tim Burton House Band, all pointy bits and black clothes. I liked the drummer, I thought he was brilliant, and they were interesting to watch but it got a bit tired quite quick.

At this point I decided to move because I already wanted to murder everyone around me. I went outside for some fresh air and got accosted by someone trying to sign people up to the Joe Lean mailing list. The Academy's being remodelled or something so there's a big corridor of red steel leading up the portaloos they've set up. All the smokers are out here. As I'm walking back in a guy points at me says "See? That's what it's all about!".I have no idea what that meant.

Back in and I decide to swap sides of the stage and get near Gary's end, as it were. What a grave error. Started out okay, I went to the front but there was a gaggle of glitter faced girls in front of me,blocking my view. Out of the corner of my eye I see Ryan coming out of a side door.

"Look! It's Ryan!" says I. Cue a screaming stampede as the girls run towards him waving their cameras about. I slot into the second row nicely as Ryan gets mobbed by them. Sorry mate, survival of the fittest and all that.

Unfortunately I'm stood behind My Little Fucking Pony, who keeps swishing her mangy tail into my face every 5 seconds. I amuse myself by blowing it out of the way until she tucks the thing into her jumper where it belongs. The view here is okay but I'm surrounded by complete idiots who seem to know all the Cribs' lyrics but don't know that when you stand in the front at a gig you might get shoved around. All the way through some outrageously camp bloke and his hefty friend are jabbing me, kicking me, shouting right down my fucking ears. I stopped carrying a knife a long time ago, lucky for these two. I couldn't reach into my pockets or I would have stuck them with a Cribs Online badge.

Anyhow, the gig was excellent. Bastards Of Young, Bovine, I've Tried Everything were really good. Be Safe was great, I had a feeling they might bring it into their set after the Brudenell because it worked so well there. I didn't realise until today that there had been a film of Lee on the big screens, I was too far forward to see, but that's an ace idea, I hope to get a look at it on Thursday at Leeds. The lads had a picture of their recently deceased dog Olly on their drum skin, which made me quite emotional cos my own dog died a week ago. I'm sure they'll be playing happily in doggy heaven, both sick of hearing The Cribs being played constantly round the house.

I was beginning to think that Johnny Marr wasn't gonna come on because they were getting closer and closer to curfew time, but just before the end Ryan announces him and on he comes to applause which I think they call 'rapturous'. Truth be told I think some of the crowd were too young and stupid to know who we was. I swear to God someone next to me (the same girl who screamed at the top of her lungs when Gary walked out) said "Is that their brother that they said was dead?", Ryan having previously called Olly the 'fourth Jarman brother'. Panic was really good, it actually suits the Cribs, it's quite angry and anthemy isn't it? Never thought of it like that with Mozzers dulcit tones on it, but Ryan adds a bit of edge.

I couldn't hear what Marr was doing quite frankly, because the sound was awful, but it looked good. Ryan looked ecstatic when he walked on stage. They finished off with I'm A Realist,which I enjoyed from the back of the room as I was worried about the old 'night in Oxford Road station' that I've risked so many times before.

In terms of experience this was probably the worst Cribs gig I've been too, which isn't a reflection on the band at all, they were superb as always. I just felt a bit out of it, like it was a festival performance where you're the only one there to see them. Liverpool's always a good craic, so fingers crossed that'll pick me up on Thursday.